26/11/12

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I've always been open to the idea of death or dying early. Frankly speaking and for some twisted reason, I'm not scared to die. If it happens, it happens. I'm also not a stranger to the idea of taking my own life since I've harbored such thoughts ever since I was a kid. Suicide is an easy escape and I feel the need to give in to the urge when things become too much for me to handle... or when loneliness has become too hard and heavy to bear.

Me and my friend, the only person in my life who knows all the shit I write in this journal and who's currently staying in Japan, joked about funeral songs through chat the other day. I told her that I want DIM Scene to be played in my funeral and to tell my mom that I have a 'funeral playlist' saved in my iPod. She said she'd like all of her favorite songs to be played except for DERANGEMENT and ATTITUDE because people might headbang instead of cry in her funeral. LOL. I told her to tell people about my journal so they'll know how horrible I really am and she said, she'd compile my entries and turn it into a novel, hahaha. I love her. She's one of the few reasons why I haven't slashed my wrists and bled to death.

Frankly speaking, I don't see myself living until 70 or even 40. I don't want to live longer than that and I have this feeling that I'll just try to enjoy and live through the remaining years I have till I reach that age and yet, living for 14 years more seem so long... so torturous. Is it wrong and twisted of me to think that I don't even want to reach 30?

People would probably say I don't deserve the life I have because I want to destroy it, I don't cherish it when other people are dying to live and don't want to die from a lethal disease.

Well, I think so, too. 

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venomousliberty

November 2013

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