(no subject)

After five months, I'm starting to have suicidal thoughts again.

The thoughts came to me while I was on my way home, while I was stuck in traffic inside a hot, crowded bus that almost suffocated the life out of me. I suddenly had this strong urge to hurt myself, run a goddamn razor in my wrist and just revel on the pain, or get mesmerized at how my own blood would flow slowly from that gaping wood and watch it draw drops and puddles on the floor. 

Everything just seems blank... useless... blah.

I just don't see any purpose, any damn reason to continue this life anymore.

I don't see any reason why I should love and feel good about myself.

I can't find any reason as to why I should change when people don't notice it anyway.

I'm surrounded with people I call friends but why do I feel as if I'm still alone? That they're not interested in knowing me? That they don't give a flying fuck about how I feel?

Maybe I'm just saying this because I'm fucking tired. Maybe I'm just delusional. But everything just hurts right now and I just want to break down, cry and hurt someone. I don't want to feel like this anymore. I just want to feel better.