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Miscommunication
1/4/12 19:10I think I may have hurt a close friend.
No.
I'm certain I have hurt her.
She has been my friends for more than two years now and we met in Fanfiction.net. She's actually my beta-reader and she introduced me to a lot of new things and made me like different fandoms. She's the reason why I got into Final Fantasy and learned to become adventurous when it comes to different pairings. And now, I've hurt or offended her. I'm so horrible. I'm such a bad person.
I've recently updated my Bleach fic and asked a friend to be my new beta-reader. It isn't because I don't want her to be my beta anymore, it's just that it has been almost two or three months since I've last sent her a draft of my fic's second chapter and up until now, she hasn't finished or worked on it yet, resulting me to think that: A. maybe she has a problem with her smartphone B. she probably has lost interest in reading Bleach fics and has grown tired of it C. she's very busy. I'm not really sure what's the reason. Maybe it's A or B, but yeah, I've stopped sending her drafts of the next chapters I've worked on after that.
I had no contact with her, no constant means of communication. Although she's highly active in Tumblr, I refuse to go to that site because I don't want to get addicted to it again. That site is a fucking paradise and drug! I wanted to tell her my concern, but I didn't because I'm so scared to tell her because I don't want to hurt or offend her. We've only recently contacted each other when she followed me on Twitter and we've exchanged a few tweets there.
I know at that fucking time I should've told her about my plan, confront her about the little problem happening to us, but I didn't because I forgot to ask her about it. And a few hours after I've posted the latest chapter of my Bleach fic, I got a message from her in Twitter.
Her: I think you and I need to talk.
I feel nervous, so frigging nervous because I know in that one short sentence, there is a problem and that I've hurt her. Maybe it was unintentional, but I've still hurt her. I immediately visited her Tumblr blog, hoping that I can drop a message in her ask box, but alas, I can't find it in her blog. It's either I can't find it or she has deactivated it. I've read some personal posts she posted and I feel even more sad and guilty because she made posts about loneliness, that even if she deletes her blog no one will care, posts saying that she might actually vanish or something. I feel so bad because I wish I could've been there for her, comforting her, making her feel better, letting her know that I will care and I will be sad if she leaves.
God, I am so stupid.
Why do I always do things to hurt other people? Offend the people I love?
She just replied to my message in Twitter and so far, I can feel in her every word and reply that she's hurt. She's mad at me and it's all my fault. I should've been patient. I should've thought carefully first before throwing her away as my beta reader. I should've thought about her feelings before committing that mistake.
And now, she's saying that it's okay. She understands and she will still help me if I want to. Although I know that she's hurt by what I did. I'm afraid that I've lost her now. That the closeness and bond between us will be gone, replaced by this deep crack that would soon shatter and break everything apart. I told her that of course, I want to. She's the only person I've felt really comfortable with my fics, the only person who's patient enough to read and correct my mistakes and give me advice, the only person who truly understand how I write and my style.
Well, this has become like a frigging live report, neh? Well, I'm in the middle of writing this post when she replied to my Twitter message and right now, she's asking about how my new beta would react if he finds out that she's back. Waiting for an answer is fucking nerve-wrecking. I'm so nervous right now, afraid that she will say she's tired of me and doesn't want to talk to me again. TT^TT
So after a few more minutes of talking in Twitter, we're okay again. We've settled on an arrangement and I told her that I'll be talking to my new beta and explain him the reasons why she couldn't get online. I frigging hope he will understand although I have this strong feeling that he will. I hope things will turn out alright.
No.
I'm certain I have hurt her.
She has been my friends for more than two years now and we met in Fanfiction.net. She's actually my beta-reader and she introduced me to a lot of new things and made me like different fandoms. She's the reason why I got into Final Fantasy and learned to become adventurous when it comes to different pairings. And now, I've hurt or offended her. I'm so horrible. I'm such a bad person.
I've recently updated my Bleach fic and asked a friend to be my new beta-reader. It isn't because I don't want her to be my beta anymore, it's just that it has been almost two or three months since I've last sent her a draft of my fic's second chapter and up until now, she hasn't finished or worked on it yet, resulting me to think that: A. maybe she has a problem with her smartphone B. she probably has lost interest in reading Bleach fics and has grown tired of it C. she's very busy. I'm not really sure what's the reason. Maybe it's A or B, but yeah, I've stopped sending her drafts of the next chapters I've worked on after that.
I had no contact with her, no constant means of communication. Although she's highly active in Tumblr, I refuse to go to that site because I don't want to get addicted to it again. That site is a fucking paradise and drug! I wanted to tell her my concern, but I didn't because I'm so scared to tell her because I don't want to hurt or offend her. We've only recently contacted each other when she followed me on Twitter and we've exchanged a few tweets there.
I know at that fucking time I should've told her about my plan, confront her about the little problem happening to us, but I didn't because I forgot to ask her about it. And a few hours after I've posted the latest chapter of my Bleach fic, I got a message from her in Twitter.
Her: I think you and I need to talk.
I feel nervous, so frigging nervous because I know in that one short sentence, there is a problem and that I've hurt her. Maybe it was unintentional, but I've still hurt her. I immediately visited her Tumblr blog, hoping that I can drop a message in her ask box, but alas, I can't find it in her blog. It's either I can't find it or she has deactivated it. I've read some personal posts she posted and I feel even more sad and guilty because she made posts about loneliness, that even if she deletes her blog no one will care, posts saying that she might actually vanish or something. I feel so bad because I wish I could've been there for her, comforting her, making her feel better, letting her know that I will care and I will be sad if she leaves.
God, I am so stupid.
Why do I always do things to hurt other people? Offend the people I love?
She just replied to my message in Twitter and so far, I can feel in her every word and reply that she's hurt. She's mad at me and it's all my fault. I should've been patient. I should've thought carefully first before throwing her away as my beta reader. I should've thought about her feelings before committing that mistake.
And now, she's saying that it's okay. She understands and she will still help me if I want to. Although I know that she's hurt by what I did. I'm afraid that I've lost her now. That the closeness and bond between us will be gone, replaced by this deep crack that would soon shatter and break everything apart. I told her that of course, I want to. She's the only person I've felt really comfortable with my fics, the only person who's patient enough to read and correct my mistakes and give me advice, the only person who truly understand how I write and my style.
Well, this has become like a frigging live report, neh? Well, I'm in the middle of writing this post when she replied to my Twitter message and right now, she's asking about how my new beta would react if he finds out that she's back. Waiting for an answer is fucking nerve-wrecking. I'm so nervous right now, afraid that she will say she's tired of me and doesn't want to talk to me again. TT^TT
So after a few more minutes of talking in Twitter, we're okay again. We've settled on an arrangement and I told her that I'll be talking to my new beta and explain him the reasons why she couldn't get online. I frigging hope he will understand although I have this strong feeling that he will. I hope things will turn out alright.
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