Miscommunication
1/4/12 19:10![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
venomouslibertyI think I may have hurt a close friend.
No.
I'm certain I have hurt her.
She has been my friends for more than two years now and we met in Fanfiction.net. She's actually my beta-reader and she introduced me to a lot of new things and made me like different fandoms. She's the reason why I got into Final Fantasy and learned to become adventurous when it comes to different pairings. And now, I've hurt or offended her. I'm so horrible. I'm such a bad person.
I've recently updated my Bleach fic and asked a friend to be my new beta-reader. It isn't because I don't want her to be my beta anymore, it's just that it has been almost two or three months since I've last sent her a draft of my fic's second chapter and up until now, she hasn't finished or worked on it yet, resulting me to think that: A. maybe she has a problem with her smartphone B. she probably has lost interest in reading Bleach fics and has grown tired of it C. she's very busy. I'm not really sure what's the reason. Maybe it's A or B, but yeah, I've stopped sending her drafts of the next chapters I've worked on after that.
I had no contact with her, no constant means of communication. Although she's highly active in Tumblr, I refuse to go to that site because I don't want to get addicted to it again. That site is a fucking paradise and drug! I wanted to tell her my concern, but I didn't because I'm so scared to tell her because I don't want to hurt or offend her. We've only recently contacted each other when she followed me on Twitter and we've exchanged a few tweets there.
I know at that fucking time I should've told her about my plan, confront her about the little problem happening to us, but I didn't because I forgot to ask her about it. And a few hours after I've posted the latest chapter of my Bleach fic, I got a message from her in Twitter.
Her: I think you and I need to talk.
I feel nervous, so frigging nervous because I know in that one short sentence, there is a problem and that I've hurt her. Maybe it was unintentional, but I've still hurt her. I immediately visited her Tumblr blog, hoping that I can drop a message in her ask box, but alas, I can't find it in her blog. It's either I can't find it or she has deactivated it. I've read some personal posts she posted and I feel even more sad and guilty because she made posts about loneliness, that even if she deletes her blog no one will care, posts saying that she might actually vanish or something. I feel so bad because I wish I could've been there for her, comforting her, making her feel better, letting her know that I will care and I will be sad if she leaves.
God, I am so stupid.
Why do I always do things to hurt other people? Offend the people I love?
She just replied to my message in Twitter and so far, I can feel in her every word and reply that she's hurt. She's mad at me and it's all my fault. I should've been patient. I should've thought carefully first before throwing her away as my beta reader. I should've thought about her feelings before committing that mistake.
And now, she's saying that it's okay. She understands and she will still help me if I want to. Although I know that she's hurt by what I did. I'm afraid that I've lost her now. That the closeness and bond between us will be gone, replaced by this deep crack that would soon shatter and break everything apart. I told her that of course, I want to. She's the only person I've felt really comfortable with my fics, the only person who's patient enough to read and correct my mistakes and give me advice, the only person who truly understand how I write and my style.
Well, this has become like a frigging live report, neh? Well, I'm in the middle of writing this post when she replied to my Twitter message and right now, she's asking about how my new beta would react if he finds out that she's back. Waiting for an answer is fucking nerve-wrecking. I'm so nervous right now, afraid that she will say she's tired of me and doesn't want to talk to me again. TT^TT
So after a few more minutes of talking in Twitter, we're okay again. We've settled on an arrangement and I told her that I'll be talking to my new beta and explain him the reasons why she couldn't get online. I frigging hope he will understand although I have this strong feeling that he will. I hope things will turn out alright.
No.
I'm certain I have hurt her.
She has been my friends for more than two years now and we met in Fanfiction.net. She's actually my beta-reader and she introduced me to a lot of new things and made me like different fandoms. She's the reason why I got into Final Fantasy and learned to become adventurous when it comes to different pairings. And now, I've hurt or offended her. I'm so horrible. I'm such a bad person.
I've recently updated my Bleach fic and asked a friend to be my new beta-reader. It isn't because I don't want her to be my beta anymore, it's just that it has been almost two or three months since I've last sent her a draft of my fic's second chapter and up until now, she hasn't finished or worked on it yet, resulting me to think that: A. maybe she has a problem with her smartphone B. she probably has lost interest in reading Bleach fics and has grown tired of it C. she's very busy. I'm not really sure what's the reason. Maybe it's A or B, but yeah, I've stopped sending her drafts of the next chapters I've worked on after that.
I had no contact with her, no constant means of communication. Although she's highly active in Tumblr, I refuse to go to that site because I don't want to get addicted to it again. That site is a fucking paradise and drug! I wanted to tell her my concern, but I didn't because I'm so scared to tell her because I don't want to hurt or offend her. We've only recently contacted each other when she followed me on Twitter and we've exchanged a few tweets there.
I know at that fucking time I should've told her about my plan, confront her about the little problem happening to us, but I didn't because I forgot to ask her about it. And a few hours after I've posted the latest chapter of my Bleach fic, I got a message from her in Twitter.
Her: I think you and I need to talk.
I feel nervous, so frigging nervous because I know in that one short sentence, there is a problem and that I've hurt her. Maybe it was unintentional, but I've still hurt her. I immediately visited her Tumblr blog, hoping that I can drop a message in her ask box, but alas, I can't find it in her blog. It's either I can't find it or she has deactivated it. I've read some personal posts she posted and I feel even more sad and guilty because she made posts about loneliness, that even if she deletes her blog no one will care, posts saying that she might actually vanish or something. I feel so bad because I wish I could've been there for her, comforting her, making her feel better, letting her know that I will care and I will be sad if she leaves.
God, I am so stupid.
Why do I always do things to hurt other people? Offend the people I love?
She just replied to my message in Twitter and so far, I can feel in her every word and reply that she's hurt. She's mad at me and it's all my fault. I should've been patient. I should've thought carefully first before throwing her away as my beta reader. I should've thought about her feelings before committing that mistake.
And now, she's saying that it's okay. She understands and she will still help me if I want to. Although I know that she's hurt by what I did. I'm afraid that I've lost her now. That the closeness and bond between us will be gone, replaced by this deep crack that would soon shatter and break everything apart. I told her that of course, I want to. She's the only person I've felt really comfortable with my fics, the only person who's patient enough to read and correct my mistakes and give me advice, the only person who truly understand how I write and my style.
Well, this has become like a frigging live report, neh? Well, I'm in the middle of writing this post when she replied to my Twitter message and right now, she's asking about how my new beta would react if he finds out that she's back. Waiting for an answer is fucking nerve-wrecking. I'm so nervous right now, afraid that she will say she's tired of me and doesn't want to talk to me again. TT^TT
So after a few more minutes of talking in Twitter, we're okay again. We've settled on an arrangement and I told her that I'll be talking to my new beta and explain him the reasons why she couldn't get online. I frigging hope he will understand although I have this strong feeling that he will. I hope things will turn out alright.
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(no subject)
4/4/12 15:25 (UTC)huh... i hope you won't get mad with what i'll be saying, considering she's your friend for quite long already, but don't you think you're being unfair to yourself twin? i kinda feel that you are... takes two to communicate yes? doesn't necessarily put you at fault for everything... and i guess i might just be biased towards supporting you, but i believe being a beta requires responsibility as well, both to follow through with the commitments made and to inform your person of responsibility if you are unable to complete a task- whether on time or at all. in the first place, she herself should have had the decency to broach the topic first and not you, because she was the one who went awol first-- it's not right that she would be mad/offended/displeased at you for getting a new beta.
yes, she has stuff to deal with, but aren't we all dodging shit being thrown our way? i kinda pity your new beta if you're going to leave him for her after he so nicely accepted your beta-request and picked up after what she was supposed to do. she already let go of that story before, if she wants to be your beta still, why not have her do a different fic?
it's not right and fair to simply take over again from a person who took over for her and didn't even know anything about her issues when she left a responsibility hanging, should she want to beta that fic, have her talk to your new beta and not you, because that is being unfair to both of you(you and your new beta).
well, that turned out quite longer... kk, imma sleep now, mom's gonna scold me soon... twin, think over what i've said okay? and just rant at me if you get mad with all these i've stated here... what are twins for, yeah? ^_^
(no subject)
7/4/12 10:33 (UTC)Thanks for the advice, dear. *hugs*
You always beat some sense into my head and you do better stuff. I mean, you give good advice and ideas than my BFF, whom I haven't seen for months now. -_-
I hope you're not tiring yourself too much. Take a break some time, will ya? And I hope your visit to the cardiologist won't give any... uh... unwanted results. *crosses fingers* Miss ya so much, twin~
(no subject)
9/4/12 14:37 (UTC)Thanks for not getting mad, Hime! *bearhugs* (I realized after re-reading my comment now, I was kinda brutal eh… gomen, gomen… O_O)
*blushes* I hope I won’t become too intrusive though, if I ever do, just let me know~ ^_^
Well, tomorrow’s the visit to the cardio, thanks for the well-wishes~! *glomps* ;3